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May 18, 2012

Category: heart journey

November 3, 2009

the boy who heard sounds

by arthurstewart — Categories: Arthur, heart journey1 Comment

There once was a boy with above average hearing.  He could hear his mother calling from far away – much further than the other children (or maybe they DID hear their mothers, but pretended not to).  He was never really sure if he had a special ability to hear, or perhaps it was all that time he spent practicing hearing.  In any event, he could hear, and he loved to listen.

He listened to the sounds of the birds in the tree outside his window, music from the house across the street, and the magical river than ran through the woods at the end of the block.  He also noticed babies crying in the grocery store – not every sound was pleasant.  But he took it all in, reflecting on the beauty of each sound on its own as well as part of the great symphony.

He would follow some of these sounds – down the street, across town, sometimes all the way into the country.  Neighbors began to think he might be a little crazy.  “We all hear those sounds sometimes, but you don’t see the rest of us on wild goose chases, do you?”  No, he didn’t.  He didn’t really understand WHY other people didn’t love the sounds as much, why they would ignore or tune out so much beauty.  But he didn’t mind.  He was happy.

And there were others who DID appreciate these sounds.  Some just smiled as he passed by, happy to see him follow his ears.  There were also those who he helped to hear those sounds too – sometimes for the first time, sometimes giving them a new appreciation for the “noises” they heard but seldom paid attention to.

After a while, however, the sounds all began to run together.  It was too much for the boy, and the beauty was gone.  What had happened?  When had it happened?  Hard to say, but he had lost the song. It was just noise.  What to do?

The boy plugged his ears.  “If I can’t hear the sound, I don’t want to hear!”  And he was surrounded by silence.  The quiet was soothing.  He started remembering things, people, places – all that he had encountered while listening to the sounds.  Good memories, bad memories – they all came flooding back.  And he started to remember the individual sounds and what had attracted him to each.  He remembered tinkling bells and toes tapping and street sweepers and bullfrogs.

Somehow, in the midst of the silence, he was hearing again.

October 27, 2009

learning from pain

by arthurstewart — Categories: Arthur, God, heart journey1 Comment

If we move too quickly from pain, try to make sense of it in too simple of terms, we lose the opportunity to learn from our heart’s experience.

This has been so true of my life and I avoid pain as much as possible.
How much have I failed to learn or experience as a result?
How much of a barrier has this created between myself and others because I can’t relate to THEIR pain?

Oh, that I would experience all of life more fully, accepting the depth of pain that comes along with the heights of joy.

September 1, 2009

What the sabbatical?

In the rush to get our sabbatical started, pack up our entire house, and move from South Africa to California for the year, I haven’t sat down to write in detail about this sabbatical thingy.  But, with a little room to breathe, I wanted to start giving our friends more information on what we are up to.  I am sure this will turn into a multiple-post series, especially as we process and can begin to share what God is doing in us through the process.

In wrapping up our time with NieuCommunities in Pretoria and before starting for something new in Cape Town, we have a unique and precious window of time to let God prepare us in significant ways.  For today, some basics on the PURPOSES of our sabbatical…

1. The first purpose of our sabbatical is rest from several years of cross-cultural living and ministry.  We need to decompress, have time as a couple, and opportunity to do things as a family that we haven’t made as much time for in the last several years as we would have liked to.  We believe this will put us in a better place personally, spiritually, and relationally.

2. A second purpose of our sabbatical is restoration.  This is part of the reason we needed to leave our normal environment so we have time, space, and freedom from our normal obligations that can detract from making growth a top priority.  We are in the middle of a great program at Link Care in Fresno specifically designed for missionaries and their unique needs.  We will continue counseling throughout our time in Fresno as part of the process of continuing to grow into the people God wants us to be.  A big part of what we anticipate is deeper intimacy with God, one another, and all those God brings into our life.

3. A third reason for our sabbatical is reflection on the past several years of life and ministry.  What has taken place in our personal lives, what have we learned about life in community, how has God shaped and used us in South Africa, and what does all this mean for the future?  Expect lots of writing…

4. The final purpose for our sabbatical is preparation for what God has in store for us in this next season of life and ministry.  We have some pretty good ideas about what that will look like, but want God to confirm and clarify.  We expect God to further reveal hopes, details, and specifics.  We also anticipate this leading us to further training and learning to get us ready.  And, we want to use this time to develop the patterns and habits we will need to continue successfully in the next season.  Of course, you will hear more and more as we do, and as we gear up for all that is to come when our sabbatical ends on May 31.

For now, we are settling into life, school for the kids, and soon a new house (renting from friends) in Fresno!  More on all that, and some pics, soon :)

In the meantime, would appreciate your comments and prayers.

April 7, 2009

My CyberHeart

by arthurstewart — Categories: Arthur, heart journey, writing3 Comments

Am I just old [school]?

I really prefer to write about my heart and reflect using my journal.  paper journal, with a pen.

I wonder why I can’t do this as well ob the computer.  Even when I write in my journal and then transfer thoughts and sentiments to my blog, something is lost.

Thoughts, ideas, comments, pithy observations, clever anecdotes – those I can do on the blog just fine.  But I don’t feel like my heart comes through very well.

Why do I struggle to convery my heart through this medium?  Is this true for anyone else?

(note: I wrote this down in my journal earlier in the day, and am now transcribing here)

March 31, 2009

Receiving Forgiveness

by arthurstewart — Categories: Arthur, God, heart journey — Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

Last week, a friend was asking why we have so much trouble receiving forgiveness. In watching a dvd today, it struck me that one reason many of us don’t take forgiveness well is that our consciences believe we must do something to merit forgiveness.  So, if someone simply loves and forgives, we struggle in accepting.

This is why religion is so popular – there is a part of us that wants to DO something to make our God happy with us.  We want some control in the equation.  We have a need to see causation – I am doing such and such, so I am meriting your favour.

The beauty of the Gospel, that I believe but struggle to live by at the deepest levels, is that God has already and continually reached out to me, most powerfully in Jesus.  God has not waited for us to “get right” or prove ourselves before extending His love and forgiveness.  He does not want our rituals or attempts at goodness.  I need not, can not, do ANYTHING to make God love me more than God does.  Certainly I can respond to this loving God.  But that is far different from trying to earn God’s love.

God loves me.  God loves you.  He has given His son as an act of ultimate loving sacrifice on our behalf.  Can we receive this forgiveness?  Can we direct our lives toward this loving God and seeking His presence in our world?  I’m trying…

May it be so today.

March 26, 2009

confession: I sometimes struggle to help

by arthurstewart — Categories: Arthur, God, heart journey — Tags: , , , , , 4 Comments

There are times, maybe even lots of times, when I don’t help people (maybe even one of you).

I am not referring to times when I say I will do something but forget or put it off.  I am not referring to times when someone asks for something and for whatever reason, I say no.

I am talking about when I don’t feel any compulsion to help.  Interestingly, this seems to occur most often when:

  • someone can’t be clear or specific about what they need
  • I think the person should be able to take care of it themselves
  • in my mind, they have brought the situation on themselves

In each of the above scenarios, there is some subconscious part of me that isn’t moved to compassion or motivated to do something.  I would also add that I definitely don’t like to clean up other people’s messes.

A recent conversation I was part of got me thinking about WHY.  Why don’t I always come to the aid of others?  After all, I am not particularly cruel, mean, or uncaring.  I believe it is good to help others.  So, I think the answers lies deep within, in the places that are beyond reason, but hold much sway over me.  The following may sound a little too pseudo-psychological to you, but bear with me.  Even if I don’t explain it well, there is something here…

First, there is some part of me that feels like I wasn’t helped or protected.  I am NOT making any sort of accusation against anyone, particularly my parents (hi mom, I know you are reading this).  I am not referring to anything specific.  Rather, I am referring to a FEELING.  We have all felt that we were alone, that no one cared, etc.  I have just had a few incidents that reinforced that in my mind.  Again, I am talking about my perception, so not blaming anyone.  Actually, I think these are lies from God’s enemy, who comes in times, or after incidents, and accuses, saying “where was God, where was anyone, you are alone…”  Lies.  But they get embedded deep in us.

Connected to this is that for a long time, I’ve felt the need to clean up my own messes.  Part of this goes with the above – who else is going to do it?  Also, there is some part of me that believes this even about God – that I must fix myself.  Obviously, that is the role of Jesus, not me.  But like I said, I am talking about subconscious thoughts.  In both of these cases, my perception is that I have taken care of myself, and so should you.  I would NEVER say this, but it goes on in my heart, resulting in NOT helping.

Add to this the fact that I am reasonably capable.  So, if I can handle a situation like this, why can’t you?  Do you REALLY need help?  Sounds cruel when I say it like that, and again, it’s not rational.  At this point, I would like to add that I DO help people most of the time!  But I also know that too often I have let people down by not helping.

Fortunately, God has brought all of this to my attention, and does not condemn. He just asks that I sit with Him, consider, and let Him change me.  A friend has prayed specifically with me through these issues and I believe God has broken any sort of blockage in this area.  Doesn’t mean it’s all gone away, but it doesn’t hold power over me anymore.  This friend also felt that connected to this and some other things God was going to start speaking to me in dreams (I don’t generally dream that much, and never remember them).

Sunday night, I had a dream… with friends in a car, another car pulled up and was hassling one of the people in our car.  Things escalated and all of the people in our car got out to confront the other people.  This is where the dream ended (really, could it have gone farther – I am a pacifist after all).  I feel that this dream was significant.  I think God was saying to me that He is changing the deep parts of me that don’t help others when they need.  I think it came in a dream so I couldn’t dismiss or argue with God about it.

I have also been able to apologize to a few people for not having helped them when they needed.  Each has responded with forgiveness and I have already seen and felt healing.

May God continue to make my heart like His.

March 6, 2009

A Father’s Love (part 1)

by arthurstewart — Categories: Arthur, God, heart journey, Kids — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments

In talking about how we parent our children, John Coe says that our primary responsibility is not to disciple our children. Rather, it is to model the love of God to them. Obviously, these are not mutually exclusive goals. However, which is our primary mode of operation? I know that as one who teaches, discipling my children comes to mind first when I think of parenting. But I think that love more easily leads to discipleship than the other way around, don’t you?

I have committed to loving my children better this year, so, I started to think more about what the love of a father can look like. How can I love my children in a way that models God’s love? I thought of:

  • time
  • affirmation
  • challenge
  • fun
  • dreaming
  • forgiveness
  • unconditional with regards to achievement
  • loving even when/especially when they have fallen short

Not an exhaustive list, but a good start! But I know myself enough to know that these are all CONCEPTS. I need to make them more tangible if I am to put them into actual practice, which is obviously my goal. So, I then started jotting down examples of what each of these could look like – little pictures and stories. Something like:

TIME:
coming home early from work to be with you, taking you to practice and watching from the sideline, listening to your story about school today, cuddling in the hammock, watching the sunset or staring at the stars together

I can do those! What if I decided that this week, I will do one of those with each of my children? To you, that may sound small and highly pragmatic. But I know that if I’m not intentional, I am less likely to do it. Plus, doing small is better than not doing, right? Of course, this has the potential of becoming habit, and spawning more and more ideas. And in the process, I think it will be good for my own heart and soul, not just theirs. They win, I win, God wins.

So, here’s where you can help. I would love your ideas/suggestions. Partially because I am lame at these sorts of things. Also because I think there are lots of you out there with great ideas :) So, I would like to take them one at a time over the next few blog posts.

First up, what are some examples, stories of your own success, or ways that I can love my children by giving them TIME? I’m looking for concrete things here, not general categories. PLEASE COMMENT WITH AS MANY THINGS AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SUGGEST. I appreciate your help.

February 25, 2009

my typical response, when faced with my crap

i struggled with the best word to use at the end of the title above :)

We began our spiritual practices yesterday.  Each year, our community engages in various spiritual practices/disciplines together to better position ourselves to let God work in our lives.  We listened to a cd of part of a lecture by John Coe, the director of the Institute of Spiritual Formation.  Coe is speaking about resisting the temptation of “moral formation.”  The basic premise is that when we are faced with our sin/failure, we are tempted to perfect ourselves through our own efforts to relieve our feelings of guilt and shame.  We try to be “good people” – generally by our own efforts (instead of relying on Jesus, the one who actually has/can overcome).  This is some pretty good stuff on how self-powered much of religious life can be.

Problem is, I don’t relate.  I walked out of our time wondering what God might want to say to me, since I don’t think this temptation is a great one for me.  Fortunately, God was ready to talk!  See, when I am faced with my wrong or failure, I don’t try to “do better.”  I simply deny or hide.  I don’t try to use effort to get better.  Of course, this is also not a good position!  I was thinking about WHY I don’t try to “be better” like Coe is talking about?  I thought of a few things:

  1. I believe theologically that I am a saint who nevertheless sometimes falls short of bearing the Image of God in me.  In other words, I don’t start out believing I am a “sinner” by nature.  We can talk about original sin in another post..
  2. I believe in and have experienced spiritual practices as connectors to God, not just means to making myself better.
  3. I am far too ok letting walls exist between me and others and thinking I can hide with my crap

As a result, I generally keep people at a distance.  Those who get too close my see the crap.  Or, I let people see my pretty parts, disctracting them from seeing the dirt in the corner.  I’m really good at this (or at least I think I am).  I believe God is/will work on all that junk, but I don’t want other people touching it.

In spending time with this, I began to wonder if maybe God wants to use other people – the ones I try to hide from or distract – to help me?  Will I have the courage to either let people see the crap or acknowledge the crap they see and I don’t want them to see?  God, could this be a key to freedom from those dark places I keep so hidden?  I’ts hard for me to imagine living this way, but what might happen?

Please pray for me as I step into this better way.

November 16, 2008

Two Sons

by arthurstewart — Categories: Arthur, Bible, heart journey — Tags: , , , , 1 Comment

There is a parable that Jesus gives in Matthew 21:28-32 that has been on my heart again recently.  He tells the story of a man who makes a request of his two sons, asking about the appropriateness of their different responses:

“What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in the vineyard.’

‘I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his mind and went.

“Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.

“Which of the two did what his father wanted?”
“The first,” they answered.

Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.

On a first reading, it would appear that Jesus gives two response options and the Pharisess choose incorrectly so Jesus chastises them.  One might believe that Jesus indeed favors the response of the second son – the willing heart.  Those bad Pharisees, always choosing the “do what is right, forget about your heart.”  Willingness is preferred to obedience?

HOWEVER

Look at the broader context in which we find the parable.  Before this parable, we find:

  • Jesus clearing the temple (v 12-17) – turning the place of connecting with God into a place of personal profit
  • Cursing the fig tree (v 18-22) – judgment for not fulfilling one’s intended purpose
  • Answering questions about his authority (v 23-27) – God being the source of authority, not human institutions

After this parable:

  • The parable are the parable of the tenants (v 33-46) – questions of ownership (God or us) and receptivity to God’s instructions
  • The story of the wedding feast (12:1-14) – God’s open invitation and responding in obedience

Invitations. Receptivity.  Obedience/responsibility.  God’s authority.

I wonder if Jesus isn’t actually saying the Pharisees chose the “wrong brother”?  Look again at WHY he yells at them…

“…John came to show you the way of righteousness and you didn’t believe.  The tax collectors and prostitutes did and even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.”

You have had several chances to hear from God and respond, yet you continue in your wrong ways and don’t believe.  You are the temple and fig tree who live religiosity and aren’t living as God would desire for you.  You have made this more about you than God.  You are not listening to the Father.  Is that like one of the brothers, or both?

I think Jesus is actually judging the Pharisees as wrong NOT because the brother they chose, but because they are not even true to their own response.  They chose the obedient (but without heart) brother.  But they have not been obedient to the Father themselves.  You have not repented… Jesus is simply holding them to the standard they have set for themselves, something he does often in the Gospels.

Note that Jesus DOES NOT SAY THEY ARE WRONG IN THEIR CHOICE.  Based on the teachings surrounding this parable, I would propose that throughout this section Jesus is advocating a willing heart that responds in obedience.  Which son did what the father wanted?  Neither.

What do you think?

September 2, 2008

good run, bad run

by arthurstewart — Categories: Arthur, God, heart journey3 Comments

the last 2 weeks have been great.  i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what i want my days/time/life to be like.  i tend to do this – revisit my roles, commitments, etc. in light of my vision statement and what I feel God is telling me at the time.  The past while has been good on all of these, and I think I am really moving further and further into the way God would want me to be.  So, as stated above, the past 2 weeks have been particularly good – especially in making time for people, prayer, and thinking.  Feel like Melissa and I are moving more into the same page in some big/important areas.  Add in that I got to lead a 2-day training on Friday/Saturday that I love and people seem to really enjoy AND that we got to see our good friends Trevor & Neli on Sunday…. it’s been really good.

However, had a bad 24 last Thursday/Friday:

Friday 10pm – computer hard drive froze/died

Friday afternoon – our car’s electronic ignition stopped working

Friday 8pm – broke my pinky toe

The funny thing is, all the above three things are very inconvenient, expensive, and painful (in that order).  Yet, none of them have been derailing.  Do you think it could be because of all the great things God is doing in our life right now?  Something about seeking first God’s Kingdom, and all these things will be taken care of…

God doesn’t promise that nothing bad will happen to those who love/follow Him.  But I believe that He does prmise to be there with us, often overshadowing the rest.

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