Stewart 5

I haven’t written nearly as much as I had intended to about our sabbatical.  I guess part of the reason is that there was so much that was shaping that it’s hard to sit and write it out.  Also, I have hesitated to say, “I have learned or changed…” until I can see how much I have really learned and changed.  And like always, I am only now realizing some of what God taught us now that I can look back a bit.  Fortunately, I have had some really good reflection opportunities lately and I wanted to share a tiny bit about one aspect of my sabbatical experience.

I think one reason for my sabbatical was DISCIPLINE.  Now, being that I am offline and have no dictionary as I write this, I don’t know what the dictionary definition of discipline is.  But I would define it as doing something that is good for you and teaches you something.  Often, it doesn’t feel good or you don’t want to do it.  Sometimes, it is imposed on you.  But in each case, it involves doing something that in intended to have positive effects.

It takes discipline to practice basketball lay-ups every day.  They stop being fun after a while, but they are an important skill to master.  It takes discipline to NOT eat that second piece of chocolate cake.  Why do you do it?  Because you want the good results of not doing it.  You get my point.  Doing something that is good for you.  Now, in all the examples I can think of, the joy doesn’t come in the discipline of the thing, but in the result of it.  Wondering if you can think of a scenario where the disciplined part is its own reward, rather than what occurs as a result?  I mean, being a disciple of Jesus (intentionally learning from him) seems pretty good.  Except the “you will be persecuted” and “you must die” parts that he promised…  And PLEASE don’t get me wrong – I am NOT saying that something MUST be bad/hard/unpleasant to be good for you.

Discipline, of course, just seems so negative.  I can think of three reasons for this.  First, we associate it with the hard things that must be done to achieve something we want.  It’s the “must.”  And don’t we all dislike being obligated to anything these days?  Second, in the midst of discipline, we often lose sight of (or don’t know/understand) the purpose.  And then it can seem pretty bad.  Why am I doing this again???  Third, we often think PUNISHMENT when we hear discipline.  “We had to discipline our son for saying that.”  Again, I am not a linguist and I don’t have my dictionary, but I think the difference between these two is that punishment isn’t necessary intended to have positive affects.  It is intended to show you that you have something wrong.  Theoretically then, the same action could be a matter of either discipline or punishment, depending on its intention.  Fine line, I know.  Were things like the Exodus and Exile in Scripture matters of punishment or discipline (or both) – probably depends on who you ask.

I think one reason for my sabbatical was discipline.  It was meant for my good.  Honestly, I went back and forth on whether I was enjoying the time.  I questioned what God was doing.  And like I said, I still don’t know all that God was teaching me or wanting me to experience.  But I accept that it was for my good.  God knows what is best for me and I am thankful.  And I thank God for what is different in my life as a result.  Negative perceptions that are changed/ing, relational patterns that are improved/ing, renewed passions, better understandings.  Not perfect.  Not done.  But restored.  From discipline.

I can also say that one significant question for me during my sabbatical was: will I do what I need to do – what God asks – even though there aren’t job or relational requirements to do so?  In other words, will I do the right thing just because?  This doesn’t mean not taking input.  Indeed, it means CHOOSING to listen instead of having to.  The working out of this was discipline in and of itself.  And now that we are back in South Africa and moving into a new season of life and ministry, I am so thankful for having to process that question.  Because we are listening to God as we submerge into this new place and pretty much have to do the right things, and lots of hard work, without job or relational requirements telling us what to do!  Not perfect on this one.  But I am glad that God stretched that muscle (and dealt with a lot of other related issues) with we were in California so that I can be more the person He wants me to be now.

The discipline NOW is to continue with the good things He was working on with me.  I haven’t arrived.  Still lots of learning and practicing.  But I thank God that I am becoming  more and more the person He has designed me to be in the process.  This is indeed something good for me, with the ultimate in positive effects.

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Re-posted from a piece I wrote for today’s CRM Lent Devotional

SCRIPTURE READING – DAY 39 (March 27)

Psalm 86:11-12

Teach me your way, O LORD and I will
walk in your truth; Give me an undivided
heart, That I may fear your name. I will
praise you, O LORD my God, with all my
heart; I will glorify your name forever. (NIV)

MEDITATION

Our world lives under a curse that is so pervasive in our lives, we seldom recognize it. I call it the curse of the divided heart. In me, it manifests in good intentions not being as noble as I think, well-made plans that are fatally flawed, and words or actions that betray what is deep inside me.

We all, from our first ancestors onward, are torn between good or evil, black or white, today or tomorrow, win or lose, me or you. These are the polarities we find ourselves between, often faced with choosing one or the other. The tricky part is these choices are not nearly as extreme or obvious as they might seem. Deep down, our heart struggles with itself, because it wants to choose or do more than one thing. In Romans 7, Paul compares this to a war within ourselves.

David—Israel’s greatest king—anguished over this dilemma himself. We know his life was full of people and opportunities that could—and did—pull him in different directions. The Bible recounts his victories and travails, often the result of choices he made from his heart. We also find his honest wrestling with this condition throughout the psalms.

I join David in crying out, “Transform me Lord! Your way is different than ours—beautiful, mysterious, holy.” If we could only learn this way, we could live differently, better. I could get out of this struggle I have against my own self. I could live the way he created me to be. The key, as David knew so well, is our heart. But the wholeness he desired can only be given by God. We can’t will it; our hearts must be healed by One far greater than us. This is more than just learning to do right instead of wrong. This is a heart transplant!

David is asking for a heart like God’s. If we were to possess one, we would know God deeply, fear and honor him, praise him with all our heart…forever. It would resonate with God’s, sing to it, dance with it. This is what we all want because this is what we were made for. Our hearts are meant to be undivided and eternal, connecting us to our Creator at the deepest level possible.

Jesus shows us what it can and should look like. I’ve often asked how Jesus chose who to heal (or not), where to go, what to say. Maybe he didn’t choose. Perhaps he knew because his heart was not divided but completely given and bound to the Father. Indeed, the way, truth, and life is the One we join with David in seeking. He is the One with the power to transform our hearts, not simply by instructions or actions, but by perfectly living out the heart of God and making the way for us to do the same.

Teach me your way of undivided love; wholehearted for all, no internal struggle, no favorites—this is true and eternal life. Free me from this curse of needing to choose, except to choose you. Join me with your limitless heart of love, changing mine to be like yours. May it be so, now and forever. Amen.

REFLECTION

• Re-read the psalm several times slowly. What divides your heart? What might God be saying to you about these things?
• Take some time to picture what life with an undivided heart would look like for you.
• Write out a prayer in response to God.

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A heart is a fascinating thing -
It can be hard or strong or bitter.
It can be tender or soft or generous.
it can be several (or all?) of these at the same time!

Do you also find hearts to be complex, mysterious, even confusing?  Certainly true when it comes to others.  Often true when it comes to ourselves…  What I do know is that my heart is important.  It’s the core of who I am and it’s the only one I’ve got.  In the Biblical book of Proverbs, it says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (4:23).  I’m learning to do this.

Most of my life, I have guarded my mind.  I have fed it, trusted it, protected it.  This is a very important part of who I am.  However, I have often neglected my heart as a result.  In a way, I have not allowed my heart to do it’s job.  And, I haven’t guarded it well.  I don’t think “guard your heart” means to build walls around it.  Guard, in that case, sounds defensive and reactionary.  Seems like if you do that, it can’t be “the wellspring of life.”  How can a well nourish anything if it’s all walled up?  I am speaking from a bit of experience on this…

Rather, I think that in this case, “guard” really means to watch and protect.  Watch and protect your heart, for your life flows from there.  Watch for the things that would harm your heart – people, situations, etc.  In my case, I have been reflecting on the untrue things I sometimes believe that “attack” my heart.  And, how can I prepare myself better to deal with them?  Personally, I need to remember who I am so I am not easily affected by other messages that come my way and can be ok with my own limitations.

Hearts are precious.  I think they are a primary way we reflect the God who created us, and are the places we most deeply connect with God.  We have given our lives to helping people find/uncover/unbind their hearts and encouraging their development and expression.  That’s not a bad way to describe what we’ve been doing the past several years in South Africa and why we are preparing to head back.  It’s also what our sabbatical has been all about: reconnecting with our own hearts and giving them room to breathe and re-ignite.  I thank God for this opportunity to focus on this all-important process.

We appreciate all of you who have prayed and encouraged our hearts so much in this season.  Our hearts, and those of our children, feel more healthy.  These eternal hearts are important to me and to God.  Your heart is important too.  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

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I’m learning to live better in the time/space between… aka “now.”  This is a strange place for me.  I tend to clarify and plan for what is ahead, then move toward that.  “Without a vision, the people perish.”  Generally, this is an acceptable practice.  However, I find that I can be too focused on what lies ahead, ignoring or minimizing the present (especially when it doesn’t fit with the future I see).  Further, it is easy for people to become secondary to plans.  Never my intention, but too common when I get so focused on the future that  achieving it becomes my only aim.

Part of what makes my sabbatical so good for me is the necessity to live in the now.  Yes, this time will end and we will move into the next season soon enough.  And yes, we will have to do certain things – even make a few plans – to begin the next adventure.  But for now, I am living where I am.  Spending lots of times with my wife and kids.  Seeing friends.  Reading.  Resting.  Getting caught up.  I believe all this and more will indeed prepare me for what’s next.  But I’m not doing all this SIMPLY TO GET READY, as if this is only a means to an end.  It is all good for what it is.

Hear me – I’m not just biding my time or waiting until something better comes along.  I am enjoying each day for what it is.  True, it’s not my dream place or situation.  But there is so much I CAN enjoy.  I am reminded of when Jesus ascended to heaven in Acts 1 and his disciples were looking into the sky where he had disappeared.  Two men in white (angels?) appeared to them and said, “men of Galilee, why do you stand here looking into the sky?”  In other words, get on with life.  Not because Jesus isn’t coming back.  He is.  But there’s a lot of life to be had in the meantime.  Don’t just wait around for the future to arrive.

Every day matters:

• a habit can change
• a word can lift someone’s spirits
• an accident can be prevented
• something big can be accomplished
• decisions can be made that affect everything else
• a million moments take place that will never come again

God wants us to live now.  Yes, there’s forever too.  But it doesn’t start when we die.  It’s starts now.

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Doing anything new with the start of 2010?  On one level, I am looking at this year as an opportunity to start everything new…. moving to a new city, loving my wife and children as if for the first time, new ministry.  But on the very specific level, I am committing to read the Bible through again during the year.

I am severely restricting the making of new plans for my life because I generally do that too much.  I make plans.  I have sets of plans, often overlapping.  I have so many plans that I take a stab at several and succeed at few.  And they are all good plans!  Then I feel bad that I am not following through with all my good plans…

Furthermore, I am realizing how much I lean toward always adding new things, never stopping negative things.  I have a friend who says that all of life is starting some things while stopping others.  The Bible describes this as putting off and putting on (Ephesians 4).  I like the putting on part – fits with planning.  Problem is, you can’t keep adding and adding without making room AND getting rid of the stuff you don’t want.  It’s like having a bucket with some sediment in the bottom, and thinking that if you keep adding more and more of what you want, it will push the bad stuff out.  It doesn’t work that way though!  You have to get that crap out – my mechanic calls this a system flush.  You can’t just keep adding radiator fluid.  At some point, you have to clean out the whole system to eliminate the dregs.

I know this, but I don’t do it enough.  I need to.  In a way, this is one of the things God is doing in my life during this sabbatical – helping me clean out all the junk.  Not just adding new good stuff, but doing the hard work of rooting/tearing out what needs to go.  Sometimes painful – yes.  But cleansing and good.  I think this is one aspect of “working out your salvation” as the Apostle Paul calls it (Philippians 2).  There is work to be done – work of making ourselves available to our loving God to change us.  And often this change means getting rid of the things that get between us, Him, and our destiny.

I see it with my children more easily than myself.  I can see what they need to stop doing in order to start doing the better thing.  I am learning to better identify this in myself, and respond to others who help me to do the same.  I am sad that this doesn’t come more naturally for me, or that I don’t more readily embrace the input of others.  God has put so many people into my life that can aid in the process, and I still seem to resist at times.  But I am growing.

I am also facing the disconcerting (frightening?) truth that the great joy in life I have always craved doesn’t come through my schemes, but through a much more simple, humble, unassuming life.  This would seem to require cleaning house, wouldn’t it?  So for now, this is what I am committed to.  Yes, God has put a few pictures into my mind, and I am excited about what is ahead.  But I am holding these loosely and avoiding working out all the specifics…. at least for now

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Due to my self-imposed ban on new book purchases and my family’s voracious reading appetite and therefore constant trips to the library, I decided to look up some books from my Amazon wish list on the Fresno County Public Library’s website.  I scored on this one – It’s Really All About God: Reflections of a Muslim Atheist Jewish Christian by Samir Selmanovic.  This book was published in September 2009 and I just got to read it for free from the library!  I have to tell you, I liked it so much I am going to buy it.

I will spare you a book-report-style summary except to say the book relates the author’s journey of faith, focusing especially on family, culture (he is originally from Croatia), and religion.  Each of these are significant and Selmanovic weaves these throughout his book so well that I can only ask that you read the book to hear his heart for and in each.  We also find the postmodern pillars of the call to embrace God and honestly face our uncertainty at the same time, not making our own religion an idol in place of the God our religion follows, and the value each religion can bring when we enter into meaningful dialogue.  While these are no longer revolutionary ideas to me, the author does a good job of providing relevant story and insight to these fundamental concepts.  You’ll have to read the book for all this good stuff.

The 2 parts that I DO want to talk more about are areas that have challenged my own heart.

The first is a fundamental question to my faith (and I suppose all others), but one that we spend too little time attending to, or answer too quickly.  Q: What was Jesus promising to his followers?  If you’ve been involved in this Christianity thing for a while, you recognize that your answer to this question might differ from what you first believed (or were taught.  When you read Jesus, he talks about being without a home, seeing disruption in the state of our relationships, being persecuted…The author says it this way of Jesus… “Follow me and you might be happy – or you might not.  Follow me and you might be empowered – or you might not.  Follow me and you might have the answers – or you might not.  Follow me and you might be better off – or you might not.  If you follow me you might be worse off in every way you use to measure life.  Follow me nevertheless.  Because I have an offer that is worth giving up everything you have” (p. 210).  My experience would agree with Selmonovic’s reading of Jesus’ call.  What does Jesus say we will get from following him?  Learning to love well.

Would you trade everything in exchange for learning to love?  I am haunted by this question for several reasons.  First, I do not love as well as I would like.  If that is the point, what have I been doing instead?  Not that doing it perfectly is the validation, but it should at least be a main focus.  Loving God, loving my wife, my kids, those I am responsible for, those I work with, the needy right in front of me.  There is no shortage of opportunity!  Do I see each person as an opportunity to learn to love? AND, am I helping others in the same pursuit?  Are my means of discipleship, training, mentoring, or simply relating actually helping others learn to love well????

I want this to be true – more true of my life.  I feel like I am on this path, especially right now during our time of Sabbatical.  What does it mean to remain on this path regardless of place, job, or other responsibilities?  What I love about this call is that it deals with life now.  My focus is not on a reward that comes later.  Rather, it has affect on my life, and the lives of others, now.  I need this.

The second part of the book that relates quite a bit to some of what God is teaching me concerns how we go about “doing.”  This is very significant to me as I learn to separate my sense of value, being loved, and identity from what I accomplish.  In a sense, it’s basic and I would espouse and teach that.  But I am only BEGINNING to truly believe and live by this truth.  The author, also a vocational minister, relates that ever since becoming a Christian, he has been taught to give, love, minister, care.  This is what we are supposed to do, right?  So, he asks, why isn’t this working?  “Since we have been teaching and acting in our Christian churches to love others and to organize others and to organize our lives to love others, how curious, I thought, that polls report that non-Christians perceive Christians as not loving!  How can that possibly be?” (p. 240).  His answer speaks right to me.  We don’t really love because we don’t know how to receive.  In other words, we are not willing to let others affect us, especially in areas (like about God) that matter.  We like to give because givers are in control.  We bless because blessers are in control.  “To receive, on the other hand, means to lose something.  Everyone wants to teach and no one wants to learn.”

For me, I can only be in a position to receive when I don’t equate my value with what I do.  How could I?  If what I know, accomplish, and teach is what gives me my identity, how could I possibly take myself out of the driver’s seat?  And so, as I am learning (again) who I am (and am not), I can be with you and just be.  I can hear.  I can learn.  I can change.  Heck, I can RELATE without trying to fix you.  I want that, and am pretty sure that you do too.  So, when I am with you, I give you permission to check that.  Am I with you, or just trying to “help” you?  I feel like God is really teaching/changing me.  I hope you experience me more this way and invite you to let me know how I am doing.

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I find myself wrestling to accurately describe the rebirth taking place inside me, partially because these changes are unpredictable in how they works themselves out.

Sometimes, this renovation produces a violent internal reaction, coming out a projectile of sickness on myself and those around me.  Yes, it feels better to get it out.  But it still leaves a mess that must be cleaned up. Please forgive…
On other days, the process seems more like sacred incense – fragrantly twirling through the air – delightful aroma to all who walk into the room.  (I prefer this result)

I CAN tell you that this work, like God’s Spirit that provokes it, is indeed mysterious.  Perhaps, ultimately, this is why it is so difficult to describe.  My small words fail to capture the depth of Divine at work.  My limitations to articulate rightfully betray my finiteness.

Some days I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  There is hope, future, promise.  On other days, there is only now – full of joy, pain, tears, and laughter.  Such is this journey.

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There once was a boy with above average hearing.  He could hear his mother calling from far away – much further than the other children (or maybe they DID hear their mothers, but pretended not to).  He was never really sure if he had a special ability to hear, or perhaps it was all that time he spent practicing hearing.  In any event, he could hear, and he loved to listen.

He listened to the sounds of the birds in the tree outside his window, music from the house across the street, and the magical river than ran through the woods at the end of the block.  He also noticed babies crying in the grocery store – not every sound was pleasant.  But he took it all in, reflecting on the beauty of each sound on its own as well as part of the great symphony.

He would follow some of these sounds – down the street, across town, sometimes all the way into the country.  Neighbors began to think he might be a little crazy.  “We all hear those sounds sometimes, but you don’t see the rest of us on wild goose chases, do you?”  No, he didn’t.  He didn’t really understand WHY other people didn’t love the sounds as much, why they would ignore or tune out so much beauty.  But he didn’t mind.  He was happy.

And there were others who DID appreciate these sounds.  Some just smiled as he passed by, happy to see him follow his ears.  There were also those who he helped to hear those sounds too – sometimes for the first time, sometimes giving them a new appreciation for the “noises” they heard but seldom paid attention to.

After a while, however, the sounds all began to run together.  It was too much for the boy, and the beauty was gone.  What had happened?  When had it happened?  Hard to say, but he had lost the song. It was just noise.  What to do?

The boy plugged his ears.  “If I can’t hear the sound, I don’t want to hear!”  And he was surrounded by silence.  The quiet was soothing.  He started remembering things, people, places – all that he had encountered while listening to the sounds.  Good memories, bad memories – they all came flooding back.  And he started to remember the individual sounds and what had attracted him to each.  He remembered tinkling bells and toes tapping and street sweepers and bullfrogs.

Somehow, in the midst of the silence, he was hearing again.

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If we move too quickly from pain, try to make sense of it in too simple of terms, we lose the opportunity to learn from our heart’s experience.

This has been so true of my life and I avoid pain as much as possible.
How much have I failed to learn or experience as a result?
How much of a barrier has this created between myself and others because I can’t relate to THEIR pain?

Oh, that I would experience all of life more fully, accepting the depth of pain that comes along with the heights of joy.

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In the rush to get our sabbatical started, pack up our entire house, and move from South Africa to California for the year, I haven’t sat down to write in detail about this sabbatical thingy.  But, with a little room to breathe, I wanted to start giving our friends more information on what we are up to.  I am sure this will turn into a multiple-post series, especially as we process and can begin to share what God is doing in us through the process.

In wrapping up our time with NieuCommunities in Pretoria and before starting for something new in Cape Town, we have a unique and precious window of time to let God prepare us in significant ways.  For today, some basics on the PURPOSES of our sabbatical…

1. The first purpose of our sabbatical is rest from several years of cross-cultural living and ministry.  We need to decompress, have time as a couple, and opportunity to do things as a family that we haven’t made as much time for in the last several years as we would have liked to.  We believe this will put us in a better place personally, spiritually, and relationally.

2. A second purpose of our sabbatical is restoration.  This is part of the reason we needed to leave our normal environment so we have time, space, and freedom from our normal obligations that can detract from making growth a top priority.  We are in the middle of a great program at Link Care in Fresno specifically designed for missionaries and their unique needs.  We will continue counseling throughout our time in Fresno as part of the process of continuing to grow into the people God wants us to be.  A big part of what we anticipate is deeper intimacy with God, one another, and all those God brings into our life.

3. A third reason for our sabbatical is reflection on the past several years of life and ministry.  What has taken place in our personal lives, what have we learned about life in community, how has God shaped and used us in South Africa, and what does all this mean for the future?  Expect lots of writing…

4. The final purpose for our sabbatical is preparation for what God has in store for us in this next season of life and ministry.  We have some pretty good ideas about what that will look like, but want God to confirm and clarify.  We expect God to further reveal hopes, details, and specifics.  We also anticipate this leading us to further training and learning to get us ready.  And, we want to use this time to develop the patterns and habits we will need to continue successfully in the next season.  Of course, you will hear more and more as we do, and as we gear up for all that is to come when our sabbatical ends on May 31.

For now, we are settling into life, school for the kids, and soon a new house (renting from friends) in Fresno!  More on all that, and some pics, soon

In the meantime, would appreciate your comments and prayers.

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