Stewart 5

If we move too quickly from pain, try to make sense of it in too simple of terms, we lose the opportunity to learn from our heart’s experience.

This has been so true of my life and I avoid pain as much as possible.
How much have I failed to learn or experience as a result?
How much of a barrier has this created between myself and others because I can’t relate to THEIR pain?

Oh, that I would experience all of life more fully, accepting the depth of pain that comes along with the heights of joy.

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I am always interested in people who are thinking and working on what the Church can be/do to more effectively live out its calling.  I find it particularly helpful to engage varying perspectives, always listening for God’s voice.  One way I am doing this right now is participating in a blog tour based on some soon-to be released books.  I will be blogging as I read, but here’s the info on the project…

Philip Clayton and Harvey Cox both have new books out and they are taking them out on tour. One of the blog tour stops will be here, but as you can see below they will be making their rounds over the next month until they wrap things up in Montreal at the American Academy of Religion’s annual meeting. There they will be joined by an illustrious panel including Eric Gregory, Bruce Sanguin, Serene Jones, Frank Tupper, and Andrew Sung Park to share a ‘Big Idea’ for the future of the Church. These ‘Big Ideas’ will be video tapped and shared, so be on the look out for live footage from the last night of the tour.

Philip’s new book is Transforming Christian Theology for Church & Society and Harvey’s is The Future of Faith. Both are worth checking out at one of the many tour stops. If you can’t wait you can listen to them interview each other. Enjoy the blogging!

Joseph Weethee , Jonathan Bartlett, The Church Geek, Jacob’s Cafe, Reverend Mommy, Steve Knight, Todd Littleton, Christina Accornero, John David Ryan, LeAnn Gunter Johns, Chase Andre, Matt Moorman, Gideon Addington, Ryan Dueck, Rachel Marszalek, Amy Moffitt, Josh Wallace, Jonathan Dodson, Stephen Barkley, Monty Galloway, Colin McEnroe, Tad DeLay, David Mullens, Kimberly Roth, Tripp Hudgins, Tripp Fuller, Greg Horton, Andrew Tatum, Drew Tatusko, Sam Andress, Susan Barnes, Jared Enyart, Jake Bouma, Eliacin Rosario-Cruz, Blake Huggins, Lance Green, Scott Lenger, Dan Rose, Thomas Turner, Les Chatwin, Joseph Carson, Brian Brandsmeier, J. D. Allen, Greg Bolt, Tim Snyder, Matthew L. Kelley, Carl McLendon, Carter McNeese, David R. Gillespie, Arthur Stewart, Tim Thompson, Joe Bumbulis, Bob Cornwall

This Tour is Sponsored by Transforming Theology DOT org!

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I have so much to say about identity right now, but wanted to start with Jesus’ baptism.  This bit of scripture has been super-powerful in my life this past year.  Was reading this with my kids tonight (from Mark’s Gospel) and really paused at the words God said: You are my son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.

Oh, to hear these words!  You are mine, I love you, I am pleased with you.  What more could a child want to hear?  What more could I want to hear?  I love you for YOU.  How much of my life has been spent trying to earn such praise, or harden myself to withstand NOT feeling it?  This is not to say that my parents did not/do not love me.  They do!  But some part deep in me just isn’t attuned to this message.

I want my children to know they belong, are loved, and I am pleased with them.  Tonight I told this to each of them.  Can i ever say it enough?  And I also told them that I want the way I act toward and with them to say the same.  I don’t want my words and actions to be different.  Sure, I won’t get it right all the time.  But I think if they see and know my heart, they’ll know the truth.  And I’m learning to lean in heavy with my heart, and hold the particulars loosely, instead of the other way around.

In the process, I am reclaiming m own identity, hearing God say to me: You are my son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.  May you hear the same!  It changes everything, and I believe everything needs changing.

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I am learning to be more aware of how I am feeling – literally paying attention to my body.  This has been really helpful because my mind – always active, reasonably capable – can pretty much analyze/rationalize anything.  Unfortunately, this sometimes prevents me from really feeling or dealing with significant things.  Instead of sitting in their reality, I objectify, quantify, and file away.  This keeps me distant from my problems, and my own heart at times.

By paying more attention to how I am FEELING when I am stressed, sad, etc., and NOT immediately trying to figure it out, I can connect better with what is going on in me.  Example: I’m anxious… Instead of asking myself “why am I anxious” (because I come up with too-easy answers), I ask, “what’s going on in me as I feel anxious”.  Maybe I feel lightheaded.  So then I can think about another time(s) I felt the same way.  In many cases, the way I am feeling/responding NOW is repeating a pattern from some unresolved past thing.

This may sound pretty psychoanalytical, but it is helping me a lot.  It is helping me because just understanding what I want to change in me doesn’t produce change.  So, I am trying something different, something that connects me more to whole self.  I guess the best way I can explain it is that I am using my body/senses to connect me to past hurts rather than my brain, because my brain has interpreted things in ways that protect me, but also keep me from pain.

And so, if you are still reading, the example from today that triggered me writing this post.  I needed to make a phone call.  I didn’t want to make this phone call.  So I paused to ask myself what was going on,  I was feeling ashamed, embarrassed – pulse speeding up, chest tightening.In lingering in that feeling, I realized that I felt like I was reporting to someone that I thought would be disappointed in what I had to say, that I was going to be in trouble.  This reminded me of a work situation where I had to give lots of accounts of my time & responsibilities.  Though I thought I was doing a good job, it was communicated that it was not enough/good enough, and eventually I dreaded giving these reports.

But then I realized it goes back further, to a time when my dad came over (my parents were divorced and we lived with my mom) and talk to my brother and I when we were in trouble.  Basically, we had caused some damage on accident, and my dad was called in to give us “the talk.”  He was never around, never communicated care or interest, but he comes to talk to us when we were in trouble!  From then, I learned that when people are asking for an account of something that has gone wrong or not as well as hoped for, I am in trouble, that it is my fault.  Oh, this makes me so anxious.  I get particularly bothered when I perceive these people ONLY check in when there is a problem (which is a commonly-accepted leadership style).

What often happens as a result is that I then feel the need to cover my butt as I explain the situation.  Not lie, but make sure you understand what I was and wasn’t responsible for, what I did/didn’t do, etc.  I don’t believe you care for me, so I have to protect myself.  Honestly, I don’t generally mind owning up to my mistakes.  But if it WASN’T my fault, I will make darn sure (tactfully, diligently, of course) that you understand that.  Because when my dad came to talk to us, I got in trouble and it wasn’t my fault and no one believed me and I don’t want that to happen again.

In finding this deeply embedded hurt, I can stop believing the lie.  I can change.  I can act differently.  I don’t have to justify or feel like I must convince you of the truth that you might not see because you are uninvolved or don’t care.  I don’t have to assume I am in trouble unless I can show you otherwise.  I can let the situation speak for itself.  I can trust God to defend me instead of myself.  I am sure that it won’t go well all the time.  But I’m going to believe for the best.

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